just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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