remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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