I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
