I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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