I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
