8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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