he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
pray to the hookup gods
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
