my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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