Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
