The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Randomize
