I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
