Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
