Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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