is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I need water and some morals
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
