After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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