Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
