every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He better not be in your backpack
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
