John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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