Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
