we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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