Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize