he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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