best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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