____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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