fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
