babies were throwing up all over the place
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
