I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
