he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Randomize
