Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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