ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
