well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
And then he peed in my hair
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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