Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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