I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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