I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Randomize
