you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My ass is underappreciated
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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