I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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