imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
