Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
