Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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