Cold hands, warm shart.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
