Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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