Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
