you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
