Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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