You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
