The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
