Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
