at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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