My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
