You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
