So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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